my phone needs a breathalizer
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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