Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
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