Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It was a blind-side dick pic.
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