Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
