Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize