I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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