I've blown a few things in my day
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
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