so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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