This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
