i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
