my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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