his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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