i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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