There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
