Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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