I have demons in me.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
