omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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