Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
