Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
