I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
