Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
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There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
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I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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