How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
