If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
