At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
