I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
So apparently I’m into choking now
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
