She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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