goodnight i made you a song goodbye
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Randomize
