Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
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I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
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And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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