I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
