somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
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I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
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But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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