Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
