Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
