nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
