If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
