I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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