today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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