I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
