Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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