Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
