Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
