then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
