My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I wish there were birth control emojis
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
