Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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