I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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