I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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