I'm so fucking centered right now
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
