I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Panties = found
Randomize
