Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
