just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
