Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I cannot find my penis.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
