foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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