Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
