yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
