I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
