Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
