I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
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