My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
