I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
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My ATM looks so different sober.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
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I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
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